Search Me, and Know My Heart

"Search me, O God, and know my heart." (Psalm 139)

These past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.
There have been feelings of doubt, vulnerability, anxiousness, anger, jealousy, and sadness...but even through it emotions of hapiness, joyfulness, boldness, confidence, gratefulness; the feeling of being alive!

As I sit here in this small cafe on base, I feel totally emotionless...but not in a bad way.
It is today that I surrender everything that I feel, everything I wish, and everything I hope for and give it all to God in surrender to Him.

I think back to the first day when I got here in Australia, and the feeling of doubt that came and engulfed every part of me.  I was NOT happy to be here.
My heart cried to go back to my family, my friends, my mentor, my comfortable little home.
But if there was one thing I learned in this time it is that I cannot do what God wants me to do and still be comfortable, still live in my sin, be led by the emotions that come and go.

If we truly want to follow him there is a question we all must answer:
"Are you in OR are you out."

He does not want us half in and half out, he wants all of us or none of us.
Revelation 3:16
"So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth."

Ouch.
I don't know if that hurts you, but it definitely hurts me.
While I've been here I've let my emotions run my relationship with the Lord.
But my heart screams: NOT ANY MORE.
and I hope that will be the cry of your heart today.
This is not easy, it is so much easier to type this out istead of live it out.
So easy to be passive and go through the motions, think that everything I need to know will be given to me so easily.
But there is a fight to be fought, and He doesn't promise it will be easy.
Worth it? absolutely.

In just a few hours I will have to make a BIG decision.
While I'm here I'll be doing a 6 week outreach, in which I will have to pick today
the options are:
~Darwin (Australia)
~Papua New Guinea Trekking team (intense backpacking)
~Somewhere in North Queensland (Australia)
~London
~Papua new guinea+medical ship

To tell you the truth when I saw these options I knew exactly the one I wanted to do, but as I prayed and asked God, He told me something much different, something I was not very happy with Him about.  Okay that's an understatement...I was furious.

Proverbs 3:5
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Although I do not understand why He answered me in the way He did, I will faithfully follow and trust Him.

Today I will die to myself, die to my emotions and live out of obedience, surrender everything to Him.  Choose to live hot for him rather than the lukewarmness I've grown to live in and be fond of.

Search me, God.  Know my heart.  Know that I will follow you wherever you lead.  Have all of me and do with me whatever You want.  You know what's best for me and are in total control, and with that I have a peace that passes all understanding.

Please pray for me and the other ywam students who have to make the big outreach decision today.  We are about to experience God in a very new and very powerful way.

stretched.
mariah